I realised I now find blogging challenging because of various reasons:
- I am older now, so whatever free time I have would be spent on reading, catching up on sleep, and meeting social obligations (I’m bad at this, but trust me I would make the effort sometime)
- I am older now, so I try not to tell everyone what I’ve been up to on a real-time basis. This is why you hardly see me checking in to places on Facebook or posting photos of this and that. Simply because I don’t want you to know
- I am older now, so I am starting to not care about irrelevant things. Irrelevant things such as who got married, who’s pregnant, who’s more successful, who got married again, who posted what-with-whom on Facebook/Instagram/Twitter
Having said all that, in the beginning of the year I told two friends I wanted to make improvements to my life. There were certain things I wasn’t happy with, such as my weight, my seemingly dull life, my overthinking, and my inability to sustain relationships. I no longer go for talk therapy, and I don’t particularly enjoy reading self-help books, and I don’t listen to anyone anyway, so I was at a loss. I didn’t know what to do.
But four months later, here are some things I have learnt so far, and the list might change (or grow) because life is always a work in progress:
I have to be realistic. I am approaching my 30s and my health should be prioritised because I hear stories of people suddenly dropping dead and I don’t want to be them. I also wouldn’t be able to do the thousand things I want to do in life if I were sick. So I went to a clinic for tests, I tried to find fun exercise activities to do with friends, and I consciously took note of my sugar intake. I don’t try to smoke less though, because that’s for 2018 (let’s be realistic, come on).
This was a bit hard to do. In order to take control of, and improve my life, I need to stop assigning blame to my environment or other people, starting with my dad (I blame him for everything, especially my entire existence). Still working on this.
- Overthinking or ‘decoding’
I worked in government service for almost 6 years of my life (which is more than half my adult/working lift) and maybe I was unlucky, or young, or both, but those jobs forced me to interact with people who weren’t forthcoming. As a result I had to decode body language and snark to understand what they really wanted, and I brought this habit into my current life. I would not say the by-products of those interactions were 100% negative, though. The experiences made me less naive and more wary.
In the earlier part of the year I liked someone from work and he did this thing I really didn’t like. When he didn’t agree with things I’d suggested he would keep quiet and hope I’d shut up. My brain automatically translated this into ‘lack of interest’ (on his part) and other negative thoughts. I talked to him a few times about this and to be honest I cannot remember even the gist of what we argued about but sometimes you have to trust your instinct. Also, why would I consider dating someone who cannot be honest with me? If you don’t want to go out with someone just tell them lah.
I don’t mean just romantic ones. Even platonic or familial. I am so bad at this. I made the decision to cut irrelevant people out of my life and although I second-guessed myself a lot in the process, I think it turned out OK in the end. I did this not to be un-Islamic, but as a form of self-care and self-love.
A little note before I say bye
The decision to improve my life did not come randomly. The hardest part of the journey was to look the problems in the eye and ask myself whether I wanted and was willing to make those improvements. I think challenging experiences exist in our lives so that at the end of it all we come out as stronger and kinder people.
But of course we must do the work.